Parenting a teenager may be the most frustrating part of raising children.
Many think the midnight feedings, diaper changing, and terrible two’s are hard to get through – but once you’ve had a teenager, you know that those early years are actually the best of times in comparison to what’s to come.
There have been times where I literally wanted to tear my hair out while trying to get through to my teenager.
I know he’s going to make mistakes.
And I also know that we’re at the point in our parent-child relationship where he no longer relies on me to tell him what to do, but rather looks to me for advice and counsel.
When I knew we needed an improved way to communicate, I started to implement these five simple tips to help us better connect.
While there are many ups and downs in the parent-child relationship, communication is definitely one of the most difficult aspects to manage. Effectively communicating with your teenager can often feel like a dream goal that’s out of reach; I assure you that it’s completely achievable.
Keep reading to learn how effective communication with your teen can be achieved using these five simple steps.
Use a calm tone. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Never has a phrase been truer than when you are communicating with someone – particularly with a child. If you use a calm, engaging tone, your child is more likely to respond favorably. Raised voices – yelling and/or screaming – will not yield a positive outcome. Children are likely to retreat within and tune out the “noise.” Speak calmly and respectfully for a chance at being heard by your child.
Use fewer words. Say what you mean clearly, and succinctly, in as few words as possible. Just like the people at the office could care less how smart we think we sound when using big words that require a dictionary to understand, our children are even less impressed when we speak in run-on sentences which seem to have no end. Keep it short and sweet and they may actually listen-in.
Only give one task at a time. Bombarding a child with 100 things-to-do at once is a one-way ticket to failure. No matter what age your child is – toddler to teen – giving one task at a time makes it easier on both you and your child. Try this method the next time chores need to be done, rather than feeling like you don’t know how to talk so your child will listen because they forgot everything after task one.
Provide step-by-step instructions. It is hard to remember someone’s specifications, so imagine a child trying to guess all the requirements you’d like them to do – for chores, for preparations to depart, etc – it’s just not going to happen. Instead of the annoyance at your child’s inability to meet your (unspoken) standards, tell them exactly what you want, how you want it, and when.
Use honest emotions. Let your child know how you feel when they don’t listen to you. Children want to make their parents happy. They want to make us feel good. And they understand how it feels when that doesn’t happen. So, relate to them from an emotional place of honestly asking them to do something for you. Rather than ask how to talk so your child will listen, say how I can relate to my child and build a connection.
I want to hear from you!
What are your tips for communicating with your teen? Please share with me in the comments below.
Comments 38
It is so important to be able to communicate with your children at all stages of life. I always stressed to my children that we could talk about anything and we did. Thank you for sharing all this great information
I think you are dead on! I know that when I talk with my son, we can get so emotional that we raise our voices. Then the other person raises their voice, and the cycle continues. But calming down our speech, and lowering the voices, we can accomplish so much more.
Those are great tips especially using a calm tone is very useful. Thank you for posting them.
My Grandmother always said you get more flies with honey then vinegar and that is so true!! I always try to remember that when talking to anyone!!
Thank you for the information. Our children are grown now. These are great ideas to pass on to our children.
Wish my parents had read this years ago! LOL!
great post teens are in-between little kid and adult great tips
My oldest is 16. This is solid advice. I’ve actually been using these tips with him for years because he is on the autism spectrum. It makes sense that it would work for “normal” teens as well seeing how at that time of our life we tend to be in our own little worlds.
good tips!
My daughter is only 7 ut she acts 17, not looking forward to when she’s an actual teen! Bookmarking this!!!!!!!!!
These are great tips! Thanks for sharing
I have three boys , my youngest is now a teenager,so I have been threw it before. Each child was different so thinking its easier the third time round is wrong. Its tough and some days ok, and the rest are just tough.
Yes! I need to use fewer words. I know that giving a lecture will be tuned out but sometimes I still go on and on because I feel like my message is not heard
These are great tips! I especially like “Use fewer words.” You may only have your teen’s attention for mere seconds so get to the point. They also don’t care so much for the reason or rationalization we parents like to provide. Stick to the action steps. That’s all they are listening for anyway. 🙂
I’m trying not to think of that stage (yet!), but it’s great that your teenager still comes to you for counsel.
Great tips. I use some with my toddler. However, it can be difficult. I think speaking calming and giving step by step directions are key to making things run smoother for us!
Like Jhanis, I think this applies to any kid!
I think this will work with my 3yo and 9yo too!
“Don’t lecture your teen, have a conversation” is what I find to be the key in communication with teens.
These are all great tips! TFS! #BLMGIRLS
I have to constantly remind myself “Use a CALM tone”… thanks for the other tips
This was a good read. My son will be 16 this summer and I started to notice that we needed a different way to communicate in the past few months. Initially, it felt like he didn’t need me anymore and was closing off but as time went on I begin to see he needed advice and a listening ear not judgement and my plan on everything. Praying for him has been my biggest tool to ensure I speak to him in love. Thanks for writing this post.
Having 3 teenagers myself I could really resonate with what your tips! I believe in honest emotion completely. It let’s my kids know that I have feelings too and that we’re in this together! I find when I’m real, it’s easier for them to be real! #BLMGirl
These are really great tips. I have a pre teen and I know these will help us get a head start on those tough years to come.
Whew! This was right on time. While I don’t have teens of my own yet, we do have my 21-yr old nephew living with us. And I can tell you that all 5 of these tips are needed. The struggle is real LOL
Author
Ahhh yes, even young adults can be hard to get through to! LOL – I know what you mean… the communication struggle is daily for sure. Haha
These are all great tips! Even though I don’t have kids yet, indeed are useful for working with teens like I do.
Author
Thanks Nicole! They definitely could be applied to communicating with any teen, or anyone really.
I love this list! I don’t have teens but I have to admit that I found myself thinking that it works for men, for coworkers, for online communication. It’s just a good technique for those moments when people have less patience for listening. 😉
Author
So true Chelle! These tips really do apply to communicating with anyone, in general.
I suck at keeping my tone, I swear I have to do better. Giving several task is probably my second. I will focus on those two this week and see if I get my desired result.
Author
It’s a daily struggle to watch the tone.. Lol.. But it definitely helps!
”Speak calmly and respectfully for a chance at being heard”…It works so well with my niece…I feel like when I scream she doesn’t hear a thing…Great post!
Author
Same here… I knew he was tuning me out… Thanks, I’m so glad you enjoyed the post!
Ha at least you made a list to do this…my mother should of read this. I think immediately when I turned 13/14 it was like she was ready for war. Look there are a lot of pressures on teens as they are smooshed between childhood and adulthood and hormones are raging everywhere. Its important to realize they are human and confused but still kids and yeah communication is key! I think society are so harsh on teens so thanks for sharing this post!
Author
I couldn’t agree more! Teens surely do get a bad wrap. That’s the best and worst time of life… having so much to figure out at such a young age. I would never want to repeat that stage!
Okay, I have to be honest. I probably give way to many tasks all at once. I’ll have to work on that, plus keeping a calm tone. Thanks for the tips, lady!
Author
I still struggle with giving too many tasks occasionally… it’s easy to do since we’re trying to move things along quickly… but then, ends up slowing us down when they come back because they can’t remember. Haha